Friday, January 24, 2014

Powerful article on being an adoptive Mom

Amy (Eoin's birthmother) and I when Eoin was nine months old.

This is  article from Kathy Lynn Harris expresses what I know so many adoptive Moms feel. It is perfect in every emotion, sentiment and love filled description of being an adoptive Mommy. Thank you Kathy Lynn for your gift of accurately, eloquently and lovingly writing about this topic. 

First, a quick note: I wrote this piece after reading an essay written by Lea Grover in the Huffington Post titled “Dear Less Than-Perfect Mom.” The post by Lea was wonderful, and it made me think about us moms who found our sweet babies through adoption, and how we face unique challenges. I hope you enjoy it, whether you are the parent of an adopted child or not. 
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Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,
I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.
It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?
I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.
I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.
I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.
I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.
Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.
I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.
And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.
And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.
I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.
I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.
And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.
I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.
I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.
I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.
I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.
I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.
I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around. But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

School Support

Eoin at home with our visuals.
We have been blessed with an awesome school and a team of staff that work so hard to help Eoin be the best he can be. Eoin has his very talented Kinder teacher and  a caring and supportive resource teacher who not only teaches Eoin but also coordinates the team of school psychologist, Occupational Therapist, Speech & Language Therapist (Eoin doesn't need speech help but the S&L teaches social thinking and skills) and last but not least Eoin's aide. This really scrapes the surface because just about everyone at the school knows Eoin and watches out for him.

When we first learned about the size of Eoin's year and the size of the school we were worried. Eoin is one of approx. 350 kinder kids and the school has approx. 1200 students (K-5). However the size of the school has been a blessing as all of the above support staff are there at least two days a week. This means that Eoin gets regular support. The team is always available to talk and as parents we have been welcomed into the team and our ideas and opinions matter and are listened too.

Social thinking work

So what does the support look like? Well Eoin has an Individualized Education Program or IEP for short. As part of the IEP he has a behavioral plan and support in place with a reward system for expected behaviors. We are focusing on the Zones of Regulation program to learn about expected and unexpected behaviors. The zone system also helps Eoin how to identify how he or his body is feeling and what can be done to help him stay in the 'green zone'.


Eoin also has social skills lessons. His favorite part of social skills is when he and a few friends get to have a 'special lunch' together where they play board games etc. Here Eoin can learn to not be in control all the time and to use the social skills he has learned.

Out of all of this Eoin's absolute favorite is Occupational Therapy. Thursday's are the highlight of the week when he gets to go see Ms Maggie and explore different sensory experiences. He learns that bear hugs or a core compression vest helps him feel safe and calm. Here we also found out that if Eoin rights on a slanted writing board his hand 'doesn't get so tired' and he applies appropriate pressure to the pencil.

Behavior chart - a good day is rewarded with lego.
When he is at lunch or in his regular class (about two thirds of the day) he has a one on one aide. Ms. Rosa reminds him to take a break and do some yoga or deep pressure exercises (like wall push-ups). Eoin has also been allowed to take part in the running club at lunch time (kinders aren't normally allowed).

All of this sounds fun and sunny but there is also the very real fact that many of Eoin's support team have to take training on how to safely restrain him. This is for the most part a precaution but when Eoin really has a fight or flight reaction it can be necessary. But even in this the school was supportive and included us in discussions on how to avoid restraining Eoin but also to teach us so that we are all using the same approach and the same language. The day we were all learning this we must have had some strange looks as people passed by the office. We had a teacher sitting on my knee retrained at one point and then later in fits of giggles we were trying to restrain each other. Maybe you had to be there but sometimes you just have to have a good laugh and giggle in the middle of a serious thing.

Our hope as a team is that Eoin can be the amazing kid that we see so much. He has friends and contributes (sometimes too much) in class. He is so smart it is scary sometimes. We are very fortunate to be on this journey with Eoin and to have him (and us) supported by his awesome school.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Sensory Diet at Home

A “sensory diet”  is a carefully designed, personalized activity plan that provides the sensory input a person needs to stay focused and organized throughout the day. Just as Eoin needs food throughout the course of the day (and boy can he eat!), he needs sensory input, and opportunities for getting away from stimulation, spread out over the whole day to help him stay focused and calm.
Eoin's 'obstacle course' in our garage consists of swinging and spinning (though the spinning has been  less popular),  jumping on a mini trampoline, time on the wobble board and rolling backwards and forwards on his tummy using an exercise ball to get deep pressure in his core.
We will often follow that with some quiet time in his 'sensory cave' (his wardrobe with tons of cushions and lights), often focusing on something like 'Where's Waldo' or completing a couple of mazes. Blowing bubbles indoor or outdoor is another great calming activity.
Eoin completes this routine every morning before school and often will do it again in the late afternoon.
Other activities that really help Eoin are swimming, using his 'spinny' 360 bike, sports in general and a weighted blanket at night.

A Child's View of Sensory Processing

 
A wonderful video  that explains what SPD is and how it can affect you.Eoin is a mix of both the 'big cup' and the 'little cup'. He is a sensory seeker with tactile and auditory defensiveness. Swinging, jumping, bouncing and activities that apply pressure to his core help keep him calm and regulated.
 

Friday, January 3, 2014

Glow in the Dark Fun

Over the Christmas Break Eoin and I have had lots of fun with a black light and glow in the dark experiments. We had a glow in the dark bath and then we made play dough and added florescent paint for color. Both of these experiments worked wonderfully. We had one failed experiment. We add the paint to water and then added pearl beads to the mix hoping that the beads would soak up the mixture. Well they soaked up the water and not the paint.







Wednesday, January 1, 2014

SPD - Sensory Processing Disorder

Eoin in sensory heaven - water, sand, white noise (the waves) and space.
Over the last few weeks I have been asked many times why Eoin needs extra support at school (and at home). To many people Eoin seems like a very active funny kid but what you may not see, until you have spent more than an hour with Eoin is that he is 'sensitive' to noise, taste, texture, smells and generally is always moving.

Eoin has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder or SPD (previously known as Sensory Integration Dysfunction or SID).

Sensory processing  is a term that refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioral responses. Sensory Processing Disorder is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. It is a neurological disorder and it results in the brain not being able to interpret messages from our 8 senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell, vestibular, proprioception and interoception).

Activities like a glow in the dark bath are not only fun but calming.

We first suspected Eoin had some sensory issues when he was about five months old. He loved nothing more than being in his exersaucer or jumpy chair. However after too much time he would let out ear piercing screams. He would do the same thing in a supermarket. He became a picky eatter especially with 'slimy' foods. From birth Eoin would scream the  place down if you touched his ears. As time has progressed examples became more available however it is hard to identify an example for each of the senses as a stand alone sense. For example Eoin hates going to the movies as it can impact many of his senses - sight, hearing, smell and vestibular. Unexpected noises loud and quiet can result in a scared Eoin (loud is the worst) however loud noise that Eoin is in control of are awesome like playing the drums.

Luckily Eoin is not too picky about clothes (except for socks) however people touching him without permission and unexpectedly can result in a very startled scared Eoin. As a result he will often lash out to stop the sensation. Carpet time and assembly at school are very hard  for Eoin.

Eoin making Lavender Bath Salts for his teachers. 
We have observed that Eoin is often on the verge of a 'fight or flight' response. He is in a heightened state much of the time. He needs to control his surroundings heavily. I often think about his day being like an extended walk through a haunted house, never sure when something is going to make you shudder, cringe or scared.

Eoin has a 'sensory diet'. A sensory diet is a carefully designed, personalized activity plan that provides the sensory input a person needs to stay focused and organized throughout the day. For instance jumping on a trampoline helps Eoin calm down. Proprioceptive work (heavy work like pushing, pulling and lifting) helps keep Eoin regulated through out the day.

His sensory diet is incorporated in his school day and our garage has become a 'sensory' playground with a

There is so much to write about on the subject of SPD and our experiences. I hope that this year I can write more about this journey, things that have helped or hindered us. But in the meantime I am off to make some
glow in the dark bouncy balls with Eoin.